Dedication to My Mom on Mother's Day

Here’s what I remember about my mother, who died from cancer when I was class 11: She smelled elegant, she had beautiful fair-haired, she was kind, she was beautiful, and she made me feel loved. My family did their best to keep her alive in my memory. My aunt always told me how smart, funny, and quick-witted she was. And my sister told me how much she suffers to raise us. 

I thought surely God would realize that and wouldn't actually take her. I thought to myself, He probably just wants to teach us some lessons through her being sick. And besides, God had a whole year to do a miracle and heal her and we had a whole year to pray that He would do it!

My Mom Dream

But then I thought, what if he doesn't’ kept gnawing at me every day! I pray to god, the Creator of the universe. I fasted a day every week and prayed like I’d never prayed before. I begged God. I screamed, I cried over and over until I had no more tears left to cry. I wondered why God who had all power to heal wasn't choosing to heal my mom. Minutes, hours, days, and months were slipping away so quick! Mom was getting worse. Some days I could feel her slipping… slipping away from being my capable mom. Instead she was weakly lying in bed and family were taking care of her. Time seemed like a terrible enemy relentless in its pursuit of taking my mother away from me.

But on October 2011, she slipped away to be with us. Her body had become so weak and full of intense pain but now she was in perfect bliss in Heaven. And on October 2011 I became one of those motherless teenagers. Something I thought couldn't actually happen to me, because it only happened to strong kids that could take it and were prepared for it. Days after her death I heard her voice every day. I would hear her calling my name and I always remember chatting with her in phone.

From that day God put me on a journey, a journey I never ever wanted to walk. A painful journey He had entrusted to me and I had no choice but to walk it! The beginning of the journey was hard and I cried buckets of tears but the deep pain of living without mother everyday really hadn't set in. There were more people than could have ever imagined helping my family in whatever way they could, and prayers for us were poured out like a flood! But as the journey continued, other people resumed their normal lives. I wanted to, but I couldn’t - my life was changed forever and nothing would ever be normal again.

And that’s when it really started to sink in: she was gone and never coming back and I would live the rest of my life without a mother to be there for me. Those thoughts were like someone stamping on the already shattered pieces of my heart. Pain hit me like a giant wave and just as I would catch a breath a new wave of pain would wash over me. All the pain was so intense; the struggles were so hard I wondered how I would ever make it through them. I would lay on my bed by myself and just sob and shake till I was so exhausted I would fall asleep.

Losing Mom and all the grief and pain that came along with it was nothing like what I had expected and people had told me to expect. They said you grieve in stages like stair steps. But I think I heard a much better comparison from someone. Grief is like a giant pool of grief you are swimming around in, one side is very deep and one side is shallow. Some days you’re on the shallow side and your struggles are small and quite easily won. But other days you’re in the deep side, struggling just to keep from drowning in pain so severe you feel like a knife is being twisted in your heart!

Life without mother for me seem to be so worthless and useless. Even if I can rotate 360 degree, it seem to be useless without mother. Anyway Happy Mother's Day to every caring mother...!!!